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No part of this poetry should be reproduced in any form without written permission from the author, Mary Etta Metcalf who retains all rights.

 

(1)

By Mary Etta Metcalf

(Blackhole of forgetting)

i sit here staring into space
an empty space that is all black
wondering where did i go
as if i were swallowed up
into a blackhole of forgetting

i stand in front of the mirror
staring off beyond my reflection
trying to figure out where did i go
as if i were swallowed up
into a blackhole of forgetting

everywhere i go anymore ends up
staring into an empty space all black
wondering where did i go
as if i were swallowed up
into a blackhole of forgetting

now as i sit here staring into space
an empty space that is all black
i know where i went
i was swallowed up
into a blackhole of forgetting

 

(2)

(The Cries Of Alzheimers)

what am i

who am i

where am i

i dont remember

who are you

what are you

where are you

i dont remember

how did i get here

why dont i remember

i want to remember

whats happening to me

please help me

please take care of me

please love me

im so alone

please love me

why dont i remember

please love me

 

(3)

(But What If I Didnt)

i know who i am
i know where i live
but what if i didnt
i know how to drive
i know how to clean house
but what if i didnt
i know where the bank is
i know where my drs are
but what if i didnt
i know how to plan a dinner
i know how to cook
but what if i didnt
i know the names of what i see
i know the names of my family
but what if i didnt
what if i didnt know

 

 (4)

What Is This Thing I Have

i hear your words
but i dont understand
i see you
but i done know who you are
what is this thing i have

my head feels funny
but i dont know why
my feet dont want to walk
what is wrong with them
what is this thing i have

i am always tired
and i cant stop sleeping
i am afraid to be alone
but i dont understand why
what is this thing i have
please tell me
what is this thing i have

 

(5)

Ode To The Caregiver

how can i tell her when she bathes me
how can i tell her when she feeds me
how can i tell her when she cleans me up
oh my daughter dear i love you
oh my daughter dear how you honor me

how can i tell her when she changes my bed
how can i tell her when she covers me warmly
how can i tell her when she helps me walk
oh my wife beloved i love you
oh my wife beloved how you honor me

how can i tell him when he wipes my chin
how can i tell him when he holds my hand
how can i tell him when he brushes my hair
oh my husband love of my life i love you
oh my husband love of my life how you honor me

how can we tell them when we hear them cry
how can we tell them when we see the sadness
how can we tell them when we see how tired they are
oh my love it hurts us to see the pain
oh my love how you do honor us

 

(6)

The Destroyer of Life

i am the destroyer of life
i rob you of your dignity
i rob you of your memory
i rob you of your senses
there is no escape from me

i am the destroyer of life
i split up families with fear
i split up friendships with shame
i split up the brain with confusion
there is no escape from me

i am the destroyer of life
i take away your ability to walk
i take away your desire to eat
i take away your willingness to live
there is no escape from me
for i am the destroyer of life
and they call me alzheimers

 

(7)

Another Soul Has Left

another soul has left tonight
released with a double edged sword
glad the suffering was over
sad to lose one so loved

another soul has left tonight
release was a blessing to all
suffering was ever so much
family mourns the loss so deeply

another soul has left tonight
release was ever so sad
dreams so well planned
left behind all their lives

another soul has left tonight
released to one who always was
the tragic loss to all was felt
but release was needed
because another soul has left tonight

 

(8)

Where were you

when i needed you most
where were you
when the going got tough
where were you
when things fell apart
where were you
when the grave was filled
where were you

 

(9)

Words That Go Nowhere

the words fall upon deaf ears
they do not hear my words
they are frightened to hear the truth
so they fall upon deaf ears

the words fall upon blind eyes
they do not want to see my words
they are frightened to see the truth
so they fall upon blind eyes
they are words that go nowhere

the words fall upon the mute
they do not want to speak my words
they are frightened to speak the truth
so they fall upon the mute
they are words that go nowhere

the words are no longer understood
i speak the truth and that is wrong
they are all frightened by the truth
so they fall upon no one
they are words that go nowhere

 

(10)

The Haunted

lives altered never to be the same
people stare there is shock
there is dismay there is disbelief
the look of the haunted ever present

they cannot fathom at the cause
the ones who lives never forget
the ones who die are the blessed
the look of the haunted ever present

you see you hear you do you live
but it never goes away it never lets go
it follows everywhere always reminding
the look of the haunted ever present

the tears flow with regularity a never ending flow
relief only for awhile before it repeats again
always pain always pain never ending
the look of the haunted ever present

 

(11)

The Emotion Machine

we dream we cry we boil
whoever said this was easy
was talking through his hat
their emotion machine runs wild

we turn our backs and walk away
we turn the tears on it dont work
we have nowhere to turn no one cares
the emotion machine runs wild

we need to scream rant and rave
we need a vacation and rest
we need the ears of a saint
the emotion machine runs wild

where can i go where can i hide
somewhere they wont find me they always do
oh dear momma doth call gotta go
the emotion machine runs wild

(12)

Where Have They All Gone

memories of time gone past
memories of time present
all that is past all that is present
memories to hold memories to lose
where have they all gone

memories spoken gone past
memories spoken of present
all that is past all that is present
memories to hold memories to lose
where have they all gone

we speak of memories with meaning
we speak of memories with pain
all that is past all that is present
memories to hold memories to lose
where have they all gone

we try to hold what memories we have
we mourn the memories we have lost
all that is past all that is present
memories to hold memories to lose
where have they all gone

 

(13)

We Stand Tall

we are the wives we are the husbands
we are the daughters we are the sons
we are the relatives who dare to care
but we stand tall by who we are

we proudly took up the challenge
while others turned their backs
we suffer the pain we suffer the hardships
but we stand tall by who we are

we know death will finally win
we still took the challenge
there is constant change that we know
but we stand tall by who we are

there is always the unknown
there will always be tears
they will lose their memories
but we will always have ours
we stand tall by who we are

(14) Memories of the Mind

i came across a picture the other day folded by age
one i hadnt seen in so many years and almost forgotten
as i looked at the pictures so many thoughts came to mind
the tears fell freely down my cheeks as momories flowed
all these memories of the mind

i remember stories told of the day this picture was taken
and as the memories flowed the sequence began
i remember tales of the trip by boat to this nation
of the first home with a white picket fence all around
all these memories of the mind

i remember the swing set in the back how high i could go
a special fondness for our collie dog how i love him
my graduation day i thought i was so grown up
my wedding day i swore she cried a bucket of tears
all these memories of the mind

my first child how proud they were to finally be grandparents
a twist of fate when alzheimers hit my momma
we buried her yesterday now the memories stop
the picture i found was momma cuddling her first born child
all these memories of the mind

 

(15)This World Vacation

I'm high in the air floating on a cloud
my mind is a thousand miles away
i envision lands far away in my mind
i see reds blues and purple sunsets in australia
i see the wild tempest waterfalls in africa
this world vacation of my mind

i climb these craggy hills of scotland
i lay on my back in the fields of the alps
i look dizingly down the grand canyon
i surf the beautiful blue waters of hawaii
i fish in a stream for trout in yellowstone
this world vacation of my mind

I'm in china walking the great wall of china
I'm in japan checking out all the pagodas i can
i go to india to trace the footsteps of sister teresa
I'm in egypt seeing all the wonders i can
i am in palestine tracing the footsteps of mighty Christ
i sadly come home in my mind from all my travels
this world vacation of the mind


(16) The Nightmare

i toss i turn the blankets go everywhere
sweat runs down my face
i sit up with a jerk
oh dear God help me please
help me through this nightmare

i can't remember the dream
the fear i feel tells me it was bad
the terror i feel says it was a horror
oh dear God help me please
help me through this nightmare

how can i tell you of the emptiness
how can i explain of what was not there
the blackness the void the emptiness
oh dear God help me please
help me through this nightmare

how can i go on afraid to sleep
how can i go on afraid to awaken
this blackness void emptiness is real
oh dear God help me please
help me through this nightmare

(17)Living in Our Mind

only in your mind are you able to stop time
only in your mind are you able to heal
only in your mind are you able to bring them back
do we resort to living in our mind to survive
do we live in our mind as they lose theirs

only in your mind is everything alright
only in your mind do they find a cure
only in your mind are we finacially stable
do we resort to living in our mind to survive
do we live in our mind as they lose theirs

only in your mind do you live normal lives again
only in your mind do you hear laughter
only in your mind can you understand what is happening
do we resort to living in our mind to survive
do we live in our mind as they lose theirs

(18)The World Cries

i wish i could make it go away but i can't
this disease that takes the mind and leaves a shell
i wish i could make it go away but i can't
this horror that makes us watch them slowly die
the world cries at the loss of all these minds

if there were a way to stop the world i'd get off
i wish i could make it go away but i can't
i want so much to heal the pain but it won't go away
i wish people would see the pain and help but they won't
the world cries at the loss of all these minds

if i had a magic wand i'd heal the world but i don't
if all the world would work together but they won't
if people would stop and say i care but they won't
i wish i could make it go away but i can't
the world cries at the loss of all these minds


(19) A Special Breed


the poet is a special breed
he teaches people understanding
he teaches people tolerance
he teaches them the unknown
the poet does this all through his words

the poet is a special breed
he teaches people about love
he teaches people about pain
he teaches them about patience
the poet does this all through his words

the poet is a special breed
it is through his words that we learn
how worlds are created and destroyed
how people grow and how they die
the poet does this all through his words


(20) All this Beauty

i stand here looking around me at the birds
i see the mountains tall and majestic and cold
i see the rivers rushing by so serenely
i see the trees reaching to touch the sky
how could i have missed all this beauty

i stand and look across this vast ocean in awe
i stand and watch the waves come in with all the critters
i stand and watch all the seagulls soar and dip on the wind
i stand and watch the ocean liner in the distance and dream
how could i have missed all this beauty.

i stand here watching the beauty of my wife and kids
i stand here watching the beauty of my husband and kids
i stand here watching my kids and grandchildren
i stand here watching mom and dad
how could i have missed all this beauty

i listen to the birds sing their songs in a corus
i listen to the waves as they lap on the shoreline
i listen to the clildrens laughter and joy
i listen to everything and say sadly WHY
how could i have missed all this beauty



(21) (this poem is somewhat different from all the rest i have
written, but that is because these are the words my mother
spoke to me one night as we were talking and she couldn't explain
it any other way)



Theyre Gonna Take My Mind Away

they're coming to get me to to take my mind away
i don't know who they are or what they are
i just know they're going to take my mind away
please believe me when i say they're gonna take my mind away

is scares me when i think of them taking my mind away
it scared my daughter when i told her so
i think she thought i'd lost my mind already
please believe me when i say they're gonna take my mind away

i tried to explain to her without frightening her
i don't think it work i thing i made matters worse
she does so much for me how could i frighten her so
please believe me when i say they're gonna take my mind away.

 


(22) Where Have They All Gone


memories of time gone past
memories of time present
all that is past all that is present
where have they all gone

memories spoken gone past
memories spoken of present
all that is past all that is present
memories to hold memories to lose
where have they all gone

we speak of memories with meaning
we speak of memories with pain
all that is past all that is present
memories to hold memories to lose
where have they all gone

we try to hold what memories we have
we mourn the momories we have lost
all that is past all that is present
memories to hold memories to lose
where have they all gone




(23) Im All In A Daze


i miss my friends and my house i'm so alone
these cies do haunt me since momma came to my house
she forgets so easily everything i explain to her
she can't remember what i tell her anymore
i spin around like i'm on a top i'm all in a daze

do i know you you don't look like anyone i would know
my heart stops when she says that my mom don't know me
i know it's the disease but it still hurts oh the pain
she changes at the drop of a dime she becomes a demon
i spin around like i'm on a top im all in a daze

she does things momma never would how can this be
momma would be horrified at this behavior if she remembered
how can this illness change who she is into who she isn't
she talks of strange things i do not understand
i spin around like i'm on a top im all in a daze



(24) My World Is A Strange World


my thoughts disappear as soon as i think of them
when i start to talk all this gibberish comes out
when i see you you don't look the same as before
i don't hear what you say and sometimes i don't hear at all
my world is a strange world ups and downs ins and outs

my walk is funny anymore legs and feet don't always agree
and when i go to sit down if i could only find the chair
i went to go lay down but i lost my bedroom
my mother told me no she's my daughter instead
my world is a strange world ups and downs ins and outs

we pull into the driveway i look all around where are we
i sit down to dinner look at my plate what is this
i stand in front of the mirror staring at the stranger
in my world you are up and i am down
my world is a strange world ups and downs ins and outs



(25) Scrapbook of the Mind


as we walk down the lane hand in hand
as we sit on the bench singing our song
as we stood by the pond feeding the ducks
as you gave me a big hug and kiss
these memories from my scrapbook of the mind

as we share a mile long hot dog and laugh
as we watch the birds counting the different kinds
as we stroll past the stores on the mall
as you sneak a bite from my waffle and giggle
these memories from my scrapbook of the mind

as we share a simple meal late at night
as we walk around the block and share a smile
as we play with the cat and dog at home
as you playfully splash me on shower day
these memories from my scrapbook of the mind

as i watch you do your thing and savor the moment
as i look upon your sleeping face late one night
as i watch you wolf down your pie and ice cream
as you look up to me and say I LOVE YOU
these memories from my scrapbook of the mind

 

(26) Alzheimers Will Change Everything

we are creatures of our own selves
we all have preconceived ideas
those ideas go with us everywhere
that is who we are at any given time
beware alzheimers will change everything

whenever it sticks up its ugly head
another idea must change or conform
we rage in tears leave us alone go away
it only laughs in our faces and moves on
beware alzheimers will change everything

we learn each time we are not whom we thought
we must change or it will destroy us as well
it is not satisfied with just one it goes for us
we have to conform to its game in order to win
beware alzheimers will change everything


(27) Memories of the Mind

i came across a picture the other day folded by age
one i hadn't seen in so many years and almost forgotten
as i looked at the picture so many thoughts came to mind
the tears fell freely down my cheeks as momories flowed
all these memories of the mind

i remember stories told of the day this picture was taken
and as the momories flowed the sequence began
i remember tales of the trip by boat to this nation
of the first home with a white picket fence all around
all these memories of the mind

i remember the swing set in the back how high i could go
special fondness for our collie dog how i loved him
my graduation day i thought i was so grown up
my wedding day i swore she cried a bucket of tears
all these memories of the mind

my first child how proud they were to finally be grandparents
a twist of fate when alzheimers hit my momma
we buried her yesterday now the memories stop
the picture i found was momma cuddling her first born child
all these memories of the mind




(28) Memories To Hold A Lifetime

of all the things i want to remember
the happiness of running barefoot in the rain
the happiness of strolling in the woods
the happiness of eating cotton candy together
these are memories to hold a lifetime

of all the memories to hold on to the most
the day we looked into each others eyes and said i do
the day you held our first born child
the day you looked through the window and said that's my grandchild
these are memories to hold a lifetime

of all the mimories we share
the look in your eyes when you said happy 25 anniversary dear
strolling through the woods again - alone
the day we went to the beach and it rained
these are memories to hold a lifetime



(29) A False World


she stumbles around the house precariously

refusing to stay seated to protect herself

she doesn't remember her two falls anymore

they are a thing of the past nothing is wrong

they live in a false world



the only step i have inside is her playground

i swear one day she'll give me a heart attack

she will come through with flying colors herself

her only disaster comes when the sun decends

they live in a false world



when that old sun goes down she falls apart

her legs shimmy her hands shake she needs help

she doesn't understand why all this is happening

when i try to explain there goes that blank stare

they live in a false world



when things go smoothly she believes shes ok

her memory functions in now there is no other

so you live in their world hoping to keep

them safe for another day in your world

they live in a false world

 

 

Why Do I Cry

my sadness reaches a plateau i never knew existed
i walk down the street looking at everything and nothing
i see the beauty most take for granted and i cry
i no longer have the ability to control my emotions
why do i cry i cry at the loss of myself

i see so much more than i use to i want to know more
my mind goes from one to another analyzing as i go
i want to know so much and cram it all in
i cant see enough anymore and i cry at the beauty
why do i cry i cry at the loss of myself

life is short when you hear alzheimers it becomes shorter
you want to learn about alzheimers but your kind of frightened
you watch loved ones turn away from you and it hurts so
your friends stop coming by or calling you ask why
why do i cry i cry at the loss of myself

i wish time could be reversed but i know it isnt so
i wish a cure would be found again i know it isnt so
but mostly i wish people understood i know it isnt so
so i guess its up to me to set the record straight
why do i cry i cry at the loss of myself



I Have Shared The Ways

my words reach out to touch you
to ease your mind to let you know
i share your pain your fears your hopes
you are not alone i also feel your ways
i have shared the ways of alzheimers care


my mother is gone i dont have to be here
but i want to help you survive as well
i will walk with you be a shoulder to cry on
be ears to listen to all your frustrations
i have shared the ways of alzheimers care

to share my experiences with you my fears
we will laugh together cry together as well
i will stand by your side help you through
lend you some of my strength and courage
i have shared the ways of alzheimers care

and when your time arrives to let them go
i will hold your hand let you lean on me
we shall share the tears of release together
i wont let you down i have been there
i have shared the ways of alzheimers care

Who Are We

i am an old lady who lives deep within myself
i have no one who cares for me i embarrass them
i have my moments as do we all just more than most
now im in a nursing home and i dont really know why
i come and go all the time i ask who are we

im an old man i have caregivers care for me all hired
my children come to see me only when i behave
i guess i really cant blame them but i do miss them
i cant control how i am i wonder why they dont understand
i come and go all the time i ask who are we

im a young woman life is just beginning for me what happened
i dont understand why me i still have my life ahead of me
this just cant be happening to me its got to be a mistake
im too young for this its only for old people not young
i come and go all the time i ask who are we

we come from all walks of life and we are of all ages
we are men and women who had constructive lives to live
how this could happen to us we do not really know
but happen it did now we are all victims of alzheimers
i come and go all the time i ask who are we